April 7, 2015

April 7, 2015
6 Unexpected Ways You're Ruining Your Relationship

Welcome to another day in my life. Today is Tuesday and I hope you are having a beary safe and great week so far. Dab the AIDS Bear and I are enjoying some down time after a very busy Easter weekend.

At my age, I have been in several relationship. You have to remember three of my partners have lost their battle with AIDS so I haven't been in several by choice. But I have been very fortunate to find love several times. So today I would like to impart some things I have learned over the years on ways you might be ruining your relationship and not realizing it.

1. Thinking He's Your Best Friend

It seems like your BF and BFF being one and the same is the ultimate relationship goal, but it can actually make you both unhappy. This is especially true when youíre trying to relate to him in a way you normally would your best male or girlfriend. When you expect your boyfriend or husband to always be naturally empathetic and know the right thing to say, youíre ignoring that everyone's processes are very different. So when you vent to him about an annoying coworker, you might just want a best friend who will listen and say, ďIím so sorry, that sucks.Ē Instead, your guy is more likely to go into fix-it mode, which can lead to you becoming frustrated, him getting defensive, and a huge blowup in the end. Of course, thatís not to say you canít bring these things up with him! Just that if heís your only confidante, you risk becoming too reliant.

2. Going Overboard on the Surprises

Sometimes, surprising a guy is the most exhilarating thing ever, whether itís bringing home a pack of his favorite beer or scoring front-row tickets to his favorite bandís concert. But too much of this can make a guy feel smothered, especially in the beginning. Itís always nice to think about and surprise your partner, but it shouldnít be over and over and over again. It feels over the top and might lead him to feel like he just canít keep up.

3. Making Him Feel Like a King in the Bedroom

Of course, you should care about him having a good time, too, but make sure not to put his needs above your own. Sometimes, women feel like sex is all about dudesí pleasure, and thatís so not the case. People might not bring things up because they donít want to rock the boat, but itís very important to make sure youíre on the same page. Couples should talk about how happy they each are with their sex lives and whether thereís anything they would do differently. Just make sure you have these kind of check-ins during non-sexy moments to avoid any potential ego-bruising.

4. Encouraging Him to Go for the Promotion

If heís looking to climb the corporate ladder, then by all means, cheer him on. But you might also be tempted to help him spruce up his life even if heís totally happy with it, and that could upset him. A lot of women can focus too much on a few things that are wrong with someone instead of everything thatís right. Itís a really fine line between encouraging him to be and do better and making him think he doesnít measure up. Err on the side of caution.

5. Spending All Your Time Together

Isn't it so sweet and cozy to become so intertwined you can complete each otherís sentences? Sure. But can that potentially destructive? Absolutely. When you let one part of your life be all-consuming, itís only natural that other aspects will fall by the wayside. You might be ignoring other parts of your life and yourself. You wonít be as interesting to each other, and it might get boring. Plus, wrapping up your entire identity in someone who, for whatever reason, might not always be there is pretty dangerous. I want relationships to be interdependent, not codependent.

6. Getting Close with His Mother

While itís obviously a good thing to form a strong relationship with his friends and family, donít mistake chumminess with his mom or other loved ones for an invitation to spill the beans on things he'd rather you keep under wraps. The mistake here comes in sharing too much information, especially if youíre with someone whoís a private person. Even though itís nice to forge a strong bond with the other most important lady in his life, be careful. I remember one instance where a guy told his mother-in-law how much they were paying for an apartment. The mother-in-law then called her son and told him they couldnít afford that. He was furious at his partner. Bottom line: Boundaries are crucial.

Hope these tips help you in your relationship and you have a beary great Tuesday!

Until we meet again; here's wishing you health, hope, happiness and just enough.

big bear hug,

Daddy Dab