10 Tourist Behaviors We Wish We Could Ban
Welcome to another day in my life. Today is Wednesday and we have almost made it through the middle of another work week. I hope you are having a beary safe and great week so far.
You can always spot a tourist. They are the ones who stick out like a sore thumb in your city and they do several things I wish I could ban.
Questioning advice from locals. Look, man! If you ask us for a restaurant recommendation and we tell you that you’re two blocks from the best Ethiopian food in this entire time zone, BELIEVE US. Don’t do that condescending “Hmmm,” like you’re weighing your options here, or say, “That’s not the kind of thing I usually like.” Why would you go to the other side of the country to get the thing that you “usually like”? And anyway, you know you don’t have any other options, because you just told us. Your other option is Red Lobster. Which brings us to…
Going to Red Lobster. I know someone whose Midwestern parents visited New York City for the first time, for a WEEK, and they only ate at the Red Lobster in Times Square. (To be fair, they did report that it was way better than the Red Lobster in [REDACTED MIDWESTERN CITY].) Listen. I’m with you on the cheddar bay biscuits thing, but overall, Red Lobster is not good. And lest you think this is a classist argument, it is also not cheap. Things you can get in New York City for the price of one meal at Red Lobster: an entire pizza, 15 tacos, 5 falafel sandwiches, 30 soft serve cones, nine Gucci purses, or hella hella hot dogs. Be bold. Eat a hot dog.
Pointing at human beings like they’re exotic animals or buildings. We know that the people here look very slightly different than the people there, but a person is not a tourist attraction, and pointing is not polite. Also, your Ride the Ducks driver is not paid enough to protect you when you point at the wrong person and he or she jumps on board to punch you in your bill. Jeff is just doing this to pay his tuition for Improv class, not to get pummeled by a townie.
Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture. The important thing to remember, when you’re visiting a place, is that people live there and have stuff to do. Also, what are you REALLY going to do with that picture of the outside of the wax museum? Just take a screengrab of Google Street View.
Talking to locals when they’re obviously in a hurry and have their headphones on and are staring at the ground walking as fast as possible . Unless this is an emergency, RESPECT THE HEADPHONES. Not everyone is on vacation right now. Again, some of us have places to be. (Also, if you do insist on asking a question, please see #1.)
Declaring that a whole city is “rude” after visiting for three days. Oh, so you’re an expert on my people now? Because you’ve met, like, 14 of us at the downtown Red Lobster? That’s a bold declaration! I don’t come to your Red Lobster and declare that the people of Topeka are “insouciant.”
Telling me that you hate it here. That’s just mean. I learned to ride a bike here, man. This is where my parents had sex.
Standing on the moving sidewalk at the airport. It’s called a “moving sidewalk,” not a “MAKING-ME-LATE SIDE-STAND.”
Walking next to the moving sidewalk like you’re better than the moving sidewalk. It isn’t lazy to take the moving sidewalk—it’s efficient. You’re supposed to walk on it and it basically doubles your walking pace. Who wants to extend their stay at the airport? But some of y’all ESCHEW the moving sidewalk all sanctimoniously, like, “Ummmm, I’m committed to fitnesssss? Soooooo.” Well, okay, have fun missing the shuttle, Jillian Michaels.
Giving your homeland a bad name. When you traverse lands afar in your matching USA visors and the WORLD'S BIGGEST WHITE RUBBER SHOES, yelling like a human air-horn, and you can't bother learning eight syllables in another language and you ask for dietary modifications because you "just don't like onions," that doesn't just reflect poorly on you—that reflects poorly on ME AND ALL OF YOUR INNOCENT COUNTRYMEN. I might be able to afford a plane ticket some day, dude. Don't ruin this for me.
Hope you have a beary safe and great Wednesday!
Until we meet again; here's wishing you health, hope, happiness and just enough.
big bear hug,