November 6, 2011

November 6, 2011
Rapidly Approaching 50

Welcome to another day in my life. Today is Sunday and I hope you are having a safe and great weekend so far. It is another busy weekend for Dab the AIDS Bear and me.

This next March I will be turning 50. Now that might not sound like a big deal to many. But when you are diagnosed with a deadly virus at 19 and told you will not live to see 20, it becomes a huge deal.

Remembering that I always thought I would be dead soon is the most important tool I have ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 30 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.

We went through so much, we defined ourselves as activists, and it worked. When you are struggling to survive, you do not really focus on the point of survival. Now that we are here, we need to find a new purpose, and it is not easy (personally, I find Madonna's attempts to reinvent herself a bit tiresome. It does not look good for me to desperately chase 25 year olds and hang out in clubs, and it is no better for her).

I find that 50 has mean changes. My favorite saying of late is "The gods do not show us all of their gifts at once." There is a richness to a lifetime of experiences, and some experiences that I have let go. I am enjoying my family more, old friends, too. I have been able to resurrect a portion of my career.

And yet, sometimes I look at my house and my "stuff" and think, "Why not move?" Start anew. Go to SF, back to France.

And as I write this, I find myself asking you, if you want to go to Hawaii, what is stopping you? Maybe it is time for a fresh start, an new life? At 50, there is still time to dream, still time for a fresh start. There is no time to waste, though.

Hope you have a great Sunday!

Until we meet again; here's wishing you health, hope, happiness and just enough.

big bear hug,

Daddy Dab