Hereís What We Really Did While You Were Gone at Camp
Welcome to another day in my life. Today is Sunday and I hope you are having a beary safe and great weekend so far. Dab the AIDS Bear and I are enjoying our last day with my partner, Jared, before he goes back to work after returning from deployment with the U.S. Army.
I recently read a hilarious article done by a friend who was writing a piece about the spoof messages they were sending their child while at camp this summer. It was so funny, I thought I would share it with you today.
Hey, Sweetie! Youíre probably still unpacking and getting to know your new bunkmates, but OMG, Mommy and I already miss you and your sister so much! I guess weíll get by somehow. To be honest, we can probably use the time to get organized a little and regroup after the busy school year. If we have time, we might see a movie or meet some friends for dinner, something boring like that. But donít worry, I wonít forget to feed the hamster and we promise to write you every day. Pinkie promise! ILYSM!!!!
Hey, Darling! So as soon as we left your bunk, Mommy stopped crying and we drove back home. On the way we stopped at the store to get some wine for dinner and Mommy came out with a surprise: a bright-yellow box of American Spirits! I wonít lie ó theyíre cigarettes but theyíre not real cigarettes. Theyíre like those Whole Foods cookies you guys complain about ó technically, theyíre cookies, but not the kind you want to eat too many of. Oh, and TBH: Smokingís not quite as bad as we might have told you. I mean, itís not like your heartís gonna literally explode after just one cigarette! In fact, lots of parents smoke once in a while and not just the French ones.
We love you! Donít forget to write. Have the greatest time ever! SWAK
Hey, happy Monday! How awesome is it not to be in school right now? So this morning we got up late (7:30!) and then stayed in bed drinking coffee and scanning Facebook to see what other people said they did over the weekend. (Family surf safari, again?) Mommy emailed her boss and told her that she was taking you to the orthodontist, but really she just stayed in bed watching Game of Thrones. (Inappropriate!) When I got home from work Mommy decided to call a weed delivery guy she said knew. We opened a bottle of wine and cleaned out your school backpacks and we waited for the weed guy to show up. We called him like four times but he never came! After a while we gave up and just had sex on your bed.
Miss you so much! Youíre the best!
Howís camp? Are you the coolest, most awesome kid in the whole bunk? Wait, donít answer. I got this one. The answer is: Yes! So hereís what happened today: After work we met Uncle Theo and Aunt Meg for Korean food and then they came back to our place. Theyíre both great, but I think Uncle Theo might get fired again. (Of course, itís never his fault, am I right?) When we got home Mommy got the number of a different delivery guy but she had to call her ex-boyfriend to get it and I was all like why do you still have his number? And when was the last time you used it? And if you have nothing to hide why wonít you show me your phone Ö ? So we had a big fight and Mommy started crying until the weed delivery guy showed up, then Mommy got so excited and started asking all sorts of goofy questions and giggling a lot. I was mortified. That guy could not wait to get out of there! Uncle Theo made a makeshift bong out of the hamsterís Habitrail tubes and a sweet potato. That guy is a genius. We got super-baked! Then Mommy and I fell asleep on the couch. We totally lost track of Theo and Meg, but Iím pretty sure they had sex on your bed.
I love you and miss you so much. Have the best time ever!
Mommy and I canít wait to see you on Sunday. Iím dying to hear all about the cool stuff you learned at camp. Tonight Mommy and I had some younger friends from her office over for dinner. (One of them asked if he could bring his laundry. I think he was joking.) Weíre so ancient. After dinner, Mommy and I were feeling a little, uh, self-conscious about the music we were playing so we logged onto your iTunes account to see what the kids are listening to. Somebody thought it would be cool to have a contest to see who could make the worst playlist. It was close but in the end I crushed them all with Ö Pitbull: The Complete Recordings. So, thanks for that!
Okay, so you know how much your bat mitzvah means to us. We are so proud of the young woman you are becoming and we are doing everything we can to make it the best night ever. Anyway, the party planner called. We have to whittle the ďfriends listĒ down from 80 to 60. She insisted! Mommy made the cuts. You donít even like most of those kids anyway. Mazel tov!
P.S. ó Remember when we said that while you were gone we were going to take the opportunity to rein in our screen time and create new boundaries for our digital lives? What a bunch of crap: Momís been basically living on Instagram and Campari and the TVís been on since you left. Weíll totally get it together next time! Love you!
Sorry I didnít write earlier. Itís been so crazy around here I havenít had any time to collect my thoughts. I actually did sit down to write you, but as soon as I did, Uncle Theo texted me and the next you thing you know we were doing tricks on the trampoline and tossing frozen chicken nuggets onto Mrs. Manzellís roof. The raccoons love me! I guess it sort of turned into a crazy night. Aunt Meg downloaded some erotic fanfiction from Amazon. I canít believe they had all your favorites: One Direction, Hunger Games, even Harry Potter. We took turns reading the samples out loud. That Dumbledore! What a freak! I laughed so hard I almost sharted! After the frozen negronis were all gone we decided to have a party tomorrow night. Weíll let you know all the details!
P.S. No one had sex in your bed.
Par-tay! Tonight was the big night. There was Uncle Neil, of course, and the Diamonds from down the block, that British coach from your soccer team who works at the spinning place (random), Daffney from the hair salon (even more random), and your old art teacher whats-her-name with the tattoo on her neck. And like 20 annoying people from Mommyís office. The Krassners showed up with fireworks they got on their trip to the Outer Banks last spring, but the police came and took them away after Uncle Neil ran down the street with a Roman candle.
Some neighbor kept complaining so we moved the party inside and up to your room. We all know itís the best spot in the house. Someone thought it was a good idea to play Truth or Dare and the next thing you know your soccer coach was twerking and that art teacher was wearing the panda onesies you got for Christmas. (LMFAO!) Oh, and you know that life-size One Direction cutout? Well, Aunt Meg gave Zayn a lap dance while we all sat on your bed and cheered. Oh, then the soccer coach and some of Mommyís workmates and the Krassners got into your sisterís Ritalin. They ground it up with the back of a hairbrush and snorted it right there on your sisterís dresser. Then we had a huge stuffed-animal fight while Mommy reorganized your sisterís closets. Then Uncle Neil went missing and we found him in the yard next to the trampoline! He was moaning in pain so Aunt Meg took him to the ER. Then someone spilled bong water on your bed and it stunk so bad everyone went home.
P.S. Uncle Theo dipped his genitals in your glitter box. Heís says heís sorry, it was just the molly. Iíll buy you a new one. Please try to forgive him. Heís been under so much stress.
At last! Tomorrow we finally pick you up from camp. Mommy, is like, literally beside herself she misses you so much. So we slept really late this morning. I could have lain in bed forever but Mommy made me go out and apologize to some of the neighbors. Mainly for the fireworks, and the noise ó it was kinda late ó and the stuff Uncle Neil screamed when he broke the trampoline. So we had breakfast and went back to bed for a while. When we woke up we could hear the Krassners knocking on the front door, so we got really quiet and pretended no one was home. Hilarious. Then we went upstairs and fucked on your bed.
Canít wait to see you. Weíve missed you so much. Itís just no fun here without you.
Hope you got as big of a laugh as I did and you have a beary safe and great Sunday!
Until we meet again; here's wishing you health, hope, happiness and just enough.
big bear hug,