September 2, 2015

September 2, 2015
13 Things You Should Know Before
Dating a Southern Girl

Welcome to another day in my life. Today is Wednesday and we have almost made it through the middle of another work week. Dab the AIDS Bear and my partner are back from Army deployment and we're enjoying an off week getting back together.

Southern guys and girls are different from people in other parts of the United States. So today I thought I would blog about 13 things you should know before dating a Southern girl (or gay man... LOL).

1. There's no such thing as a "quick trip" anywhere because even Dallas is a small town. She'll see her fourth-grade teacher's nephew at the grocery store and spend a full half-hour listening to him describe his recent colonoscopy.

2. She would rather die than neglect to RSVP. Her copy of Emily Post is more well-worn than a preacher's bible. She's a cotillion graduate. She never shows up to a party empty-handed and sends a thank-you note if you so much as gave her a hankie.

3. But she can drink you under the table. Between all the fairs, weddings, tailgates, deb balls, and oyster roasts, she's had a lot of practice.

4. Her tailgate prep is more complex than Eisenhower's maneuvering at Normandy. There are six kinds of punch, 11 chips and dips, and more sausage balls than you can shake a stick at. And let's not even get started on her outfit she's got to get a blowout, manicure, and wax before she can even start to consider that.

5. She's very religious. She's never misses a service at the United Church of SEC Football, and is a fervent believer in her lord and savior, Bear Bryant.

6. Fried is a food group. She also knows which out-of-the-way shacks have the best barbecue.

7. Just because she talks slow doesn't means she's stupid. Sure, she's got a charming drawl, but she's also got a master's in biochemical engineering, sugar, and you'd be a fool to underestimate her.

8. She's going to monogram the ever-living crap out of everything you own. There's just about nothing that can't be improved with big, frilly initials.

9. Every weekend from March to October is spoken for. She's in nine weddings this year, serving punch at four, and invited to 11 more. Looks like you'll be getting your money out of your dancing shoes.

10. You never need to bring a coozie again. She's got a spare for you in her purse! She's got about a thousand of them, most of which were favors from the aforementioned weddings.

11. And speaking of weddings, you had better remember where you buried the bourbon. If you have the good fortune to marry a Southern girl, know your wedding can and will approach Steel Magnolia-level ridiculousness. Cake pulls, 20+ bridesmaids, punch-serving duties, burying a bottle of Maker's Mark ... the superstitions and traditions never end.

12. It's never not going to be Coke. It's not a soft drink or a pop or, God help you, a Pepsi. And she's fixin' to get another one, y'all.

13. "Is my hair big enough?" is a legitimate question. Unlike "Does my butt look big?" the rights answers are "yes" or "could be bigger."

Hope you have a beary safe and great Wednesday!

Until we meet again; here's wishing you health, hope, happiness and just enough.

big bear hug,

Daddy Dab